Celebrate Reformation Day

Now, let me say from the start that I promised myself not to say anything along the lines of “cult of death.” You can thank me later.

Today, millions of American children (and an increasing number of adults) will stream into the streets demanding candy of strangers (I’m not against demanding candy, but, hey, why limit that to just one day a year? I say march up to your neighbor’s door and demand candy any old day of the year, so take that) dressed as skeletons, monsters, demons, witches, voodoo-zombies, the Texas Chainsaw Murderer, and Katy Perry. You know, wholesome stuff.

Meanwhile, many Christian families and churches who are for some reason uncomfortable with their children participating in the Cult of Death (dagnabbit!) will have their own celebrations in an attempt to mitigate the damage. These events will be called Trunk-or-Treat, Harvest Festivals, or something equally lame, vanilla-y, and vaguely pagan (which is a difficult trifecta to pull off).  

My friends, we don’t need a fake version of Halloween. October 31^st is already our holiday. For those on the outside looking in, October 31st is Reformation Day. It is the day on which, in 1517, Martin Luther nailed his 95 theses to the door of the Wittenberg Church and sparked the Protestant Reformation. Initially reacting to flagrant abuses on the part of the Roman Church such as the selling of indulgences, the Reformation lead to the recovery of the biblical doctrines that salvation is by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone, that our standard is Scripture alone, and that the glory for this blessed salvation belongs to God alone.

This is our history and our heritage. We should be celebrating it.

Now, you don’t have to slap the 95 Theses on the door of the local Catholic Church (something I would certainly never do, I’m sure) but you do need to celebrate. How? Let us count the ways.

1.      Throw a party.

If your church has an event, it should be called a Reformation Day party, and it should be rigorously Christian, not just another version of Halloween. Go tell your pastor that. Right now. Alternately, you can throw your own party with friends, or just your own family. Regardless, your celebration should be characterized by joviality and mirth, thanksgiving, feasting, and reflection.

You are celebrating God’s blessings and providence, and you are celebrating those Christians throughout Church history who boldly proclaimed the Gospel of Christ at great personal cost, even death. Be grateful, and joyful. Sing A Mighty Fortress and Rise Again Ye Lion Hearted at the top of your lungs. If you choose to celebrate with a good meal and some craft beer, Luther would approve heartily, especially of the beer.

Candy, or course, is permissible, but pies and such will be much more enjoyable. Even better, German chocolate cake. That would be sehr gut und sehr köstlich.

Of course, I will leave it to your discretion as to whether or not you should dress up as a Reformer. If you do, though, dressing like Ulrich Zwingli and carrying around a plate of smoked sausages will totally impress all the Church History nerds.

2.      Wish people a happy Reformation Day.

Whether celebrating at a Church event, or privately, you should wish everyone a happy Reformation day.

“Happy Halloween, man.”

“And a happy Reformation Day to you, good sir.”

“I’m Catholic.”

Hey, it might be rough at first, but it’ll go much smoother in a few years after it catches on.

3.     Evangelize.

You’re going to have scores of strangers at your door all night. Invite them to church. Or drop a (decent) tract or a New Testament in their candy bags. Just be sure to give ‘em some candy, too, otherwise they’ll just hate you.

4.      Sing at the top of your lungs and make puns. All day.

I know I already mentioned singing, but seriously. Break out A Mighty Fortress, or any other favorite, and be cheery. Also, be sure to spend the day trying to turn everything into a reference to Reformation history. It’ll be fun! I do this every day, so I’m sure you can manage it once a year. Phrases like, indulgences, theses, printing press, Popery, Diet of Worms, and anathema are your friends here. Just imagine:

“Honey, you’re cranking out those flapjacks faster than Guttenberg turned out Bibles.”

“Please stop.”

“Really, Guttenberg met a pressing need.”

“Stop.”

“Anyways, looks delicious. Sure beats a Diet of Worms.”

“STOP!”

“Here I stand. I can do no other.”

“I will smack you.”

“I’ll grant you that Indulgence.”

“Good grief . . .” 

Postmodern Coffee

I worked for several years during and immediately after university at a Christian camp and conference center, whereat I performed such divers jobs as serving food, hurdling kids down zip-lines at outrageous speeds, keeping kids from shooting each other with bows and arrows, keeping kids from shooting their counselors and pastors with bows and arrows, and scrubbing dishes. Glamorous work, what?

This coffee is relatively hot.

Anyway, I was working in the kitchen one morning, at something like 5:30 A.M., when I would certainly have been dead to the world if I had my druthers (my druthers being, alas, something which is so often withheld from me). On this particular occasion, I was propping my eyelids open with toothpicks and attempting to make coffee for the marauding hoards which were about to storm the gates and demand to be fed breakfast.

We used those big, square, two-gallon coffee pots like you see at any restaurant, and campers and counselors could grab a cup and get as much coffee as they wanted (which was usually a whole heck of a lot, and this coming from me). I was brewing four pots of regular, for the normal people, and two pots of decaf for those aberrant few who always manage somehow to sneak out without their handlers. Our pots for decaf coffee were marked by orange handles, as is the custom of the civilized world, as though to communicate by that particular monochrome what Dante might have rendered more colorfully as, “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here,” or something of the kind.

So, I dutifully got out the orange-emblazoned coffee-pots, and began brewing. I stared blearily at the coffee-pots through bloodshot eyes. Something in my brain began to whir.

I blinked a couple of times. Probably it was nothing.

I stared some more and blinked again.

Somewhere in the dark recesses of my sleep-deprived mind, a cog caught hold of a gear, something turned and I suddenly realized that although I had used the decaf coffee pots, I hadn’t actually used the decaf coffee packets. I had filled the decaf pots with regular coffee.

As I stood there, delving into the recesses of my bedraggled, pre-noon mind, and searching the depths of my memory, it occurred to me that, although I had prepared the coffee for the camp dozens of times, I couldn’t for the life of me remember ever actually opening a packet of decaf coffee.

Oops.

It’s okay though, right? I mean, it’s labeled as decaf, so it must be! In fact, until I realized my mistake, I firmly believed - nay, I felt - that the coffee was decaf. This makes it so. It’s in the decaf pot. It has an orange handle. What more could anyone want? It’s all a matter of identification, and that coffee was clearly identifying as decaf. End of story. Case dismissed. Move along. Nothing to see here.

Still, somehow I couldn’t manage to shake the feeling that, insist though I might that the coffee was decaf, those campers were gonna be wired.

Maybe that’s why they’d been pulling the fire-alarm every night. Live and learn.

If only I had some kind of application for this story, wherein I would emerge from this personal tale of woe possessing some perspicacious oracle pertinent to our modern times, shining a piercing light into the cloudy murk of the current philosophy and illuminating the fundamental flaws in the way the concepts of truth and absolutes are conceived of in our own era, or some such thing.

Nope, I got nothing.

Oh well. 

Indiana Jones and His Whips

My interest in whip cracking began when I was quite young, around nine or ten, and was, of course, influenced a great deal by movies. Whether it was the old Zorro series, 1930’s western serials, or Indiana Jones, it seemed that bullwhips and adventure just naturally went together.

When my parents ordered a Western Stage Props catalog, there was no going back. I was going to get a bullwhip. And I was going to discover just how much of that Indiana Jones stuff I could actually do.

And I did.

So today, I want to take a look at Indie’s whips, and analyze the choice and style of whips in the movies, along with way in which he wields them. I shall also speculate shamelessly whenever I feel it is appropriate.

Whip Style and Length

Anyone familiar with whips will instantly recognize Indie’s whip as an example of Australian craftsmanship. Which makes perfect sense, as Australians make the best whips in the world. The Australian cowboy tradition relies heavily on the use of the whip, in contrast with the American tradition, which, while certainly including the whip, makes much greater use of the lasso. Not only are Australian whip-makers masters of their craft, but they also possess the perfect material for whip making in abundance. Kangaroo hide is incredible strong, even when it is cut very thin. Thus, many strands can be braided together, and the resulting whip is light, durable, extremely responsive, and accurate. American whips are cowhide, and are usually remarkable inferior. They often featured swivel handles, which is just a terrible idea. Back in the day, some American bullwhips were made out of deer hide, which seems to have been a better material. Still, kangaroo hide is the best natural material for whipmaking. David Morgan is the master who created the whips for the Indiana Jones movies, and you can still buy one made by him if you so desire. When the first movie was in production, it was difficult or impossible to acquire kangaroo hide, so Morgan used calfskin instead. The other movies have all featured ‘roo hide whips.

Whip used in Temple of Doom

Indie’s whip is a 12 plait Australian bullwhip. However, it has a much shorter handle than is typical of Australian whips. They are usually made with a handle between 12 and 16 inches long, which gives the handler much greater control, especially on horseback. The handle on Indie’s whip is more in the realm of six or seven inches. The only real advantage of a whip with a short handle is that it is more compact, and therefore easier to carry about on adventures. Clearly Indie favored the whip for this very reason. Likely, he had the whip custom made for him. Alternately, he might have simply happened upon it on some adventure.

Indiana Jones' whips have, aggravatingly, the amazing quality of always being precisely the right length for whatever he happens to be doing. David Morgan provided upwards of 30 whips for the first movie, in lengths ranging from 6 feet to 15 feet. There are scenes (especially in Temple of Doom) where he is clearly using whips close to the 15 foot mark to swing across bridges or what have you. Alternately, the stunt in Last Crusade where Indiana Jones saves his father from being shredded by a tank-tread by snapping the whip around his foot would be impossible with such a long whip, and a 6 or 8 footer is clearly utilized.

Sigh. If only my whips would magically adjust in length. Such are the advantages of Hollywood.

Whip Stunts

Whips are cattle-driving tools for the working cowboy. Indie uses his as a weapon, a ladder, and a trapeze. In other words, for nothing they were designed to be used for, and lots of things for which they were never intended.

That being said, everything Indiana Jones ever does with his bullwhips is possible. But often, just barely. I’ve heard it said by knowledgeable whip handlers that you can’t wrap a branch and swing from it. That just ain’t so. I’ve done it. Having a clear shot at what you want to wrap and a bullwhip of the right length to actually accomplish the feet? That’s a trick only providence (or Hollywood) can manage. WARNING: USING YOUR BULLWHIP IN THIS FASHION COULD RESULT IN SEVERE INJURY TO PERSON AND PRIDE, MANGLED LIMBS, BROKEN SKULLS, PARALYSIS, OR DEATH. AND WHILE YOU’RE DYING, IT WILL HURT! DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. THE RIGHTEOUS RENEGADE IS IN NO WAY ENDORSING THE USE OF BULLWHIPS AS CLIMBING APPARATUS. IF YOU HURT YOURSELF, IT’S YOUR OWN FAULT FOR BEING A MORON. Please don’t sue me.

I would trust almost any well-made whip with my weight, especially if I were in a life or death situation. Braided kangaroo hide is, as mentioned previously, remarkably strong stuff. However, if I were Indiana Jones, I would ask a whip-maker to make my whip with these sorts of things in mind, just to be sure my whip would be up for the challenge. An extra-heavy-duty core would be a nice touch, along with an extra-sturdy knot to connect the fall with the rest of the whip.

Another difficulty is in getting your whip down from that branch after you’ve swung from it. The friction produced by a good wrap-around is more than enough to hold one’s weight, but that also means that no amount of pulling will get it loose (it will actually only tighten it). Indie always loosens it with a flick, throwing the slack of the whip back over the branch to loosen the wrap-around, which is exactly the way to do it. But in practice it is much harder than Indie makes it look. It’s always a terrible thing when the Nazis have to wait ten minutes for you to get your whip loose before they can resume trying to kill you.

Taking a gun from someone’s hand presents a different challenge. Metal is smooth, so there’s not a lot for the whip to grip (wrap-arounds rely on friction). It’s not impossible, but it’s a very difficult shot. Better to go for a wrap on the wrist, and pull the gunshot off target, I’d say. The opening of Raiders of the Lost Ark wherein Indie snags a pistol pointed directly at him is, in my estimation, one of the two most difficult shots to make in the movies.

The other is when Indie snags his dad’s foot on the tank in Last Crusade. If Henry Jones were standing up, no problem! But at that angle, and moving? Oy! We’ll chalk it up to pure skill, plus adrenaline, plus sheer luck.

Another thing. Every notice how fast Indie can produce his whip? Quite impressive. On a tank, free-falling, in a split second under fire, makes no difference! If I carry my whip, I have to keep it in a holder (like Indie’s) with a quick release knot (unlike Indie). Getting the whip takes a second - not too long, but I don’t think I could do it in mid-air, or before I got shot, or before someone got shredded by a tank. And if I don’t have that extra tie with the quick release knot, the whip falls out of the holder. All. The. Time.

So, I’ve probably just ruined your childhood. Sorry. On the bright side, now you know the kinds of things that go through my head whenever I see a movie with whips! The knowledge of the whip. It’s a gift . . . and a curse.

On Doing Exploits

Subtleties of the English language can have far-reaching consequences. Much farther reaching, perhaps, than is immediately evident. Recently, I was reading a book by the great J.I. Packer, wherein he quoted from the book of Daniel in both the King James and the RSV. The translators of the former rendered the verse, “the people that do know their God shall be strong, and do exploits.” The latter rendered the last phrase, “take action,” instead of “do exploits.” I am no scholar of Hebrew, and I shall leave it to those who are learned in the subject to decide which translation better captures the

St. George does an exploit 

meaning of the original. Each version attempts to take the Hebrew wording and express the same thought in English. Translation is as much of an art as it is a science, perhaps more so. Regardless, I find that the King James rendering is a far stronger sentence.

To take action means to begin doing something. It means not to stand idle. It is, fundamentally, reactive. One must take action for a specific purpose, to fight against something which is being done, or for something which is not being done but ought to be. On the other hand, “do exploits” carries a sense of completion. It is not an unfinished act, but one that is accomplished, carried out to its end. It is an action still, but one that is seen through to perfection, in a strictly biblical sense of the word, which means not flawless, but rather lacking nothing. Action is a process, an exploit is an event. According to one dictionary, it is a bold or daring feat.

As the people of God, we are to be strong, and do exploits. It is not enough to simply take action, leaving that action unfinished. We must not begin a process of doing something, but we must do that thing in actuality.

Taking action can be safe. Not so safe, perhaps, as sitting idle, hunkering down in self-preservation and waiting for the storm to pass. Yet it can be safe in that it lacks commitment. We will act just so far as to soothe our consciences, but we will never step so far over the line as to take upon ourselves any really meaningful risks. That Christianity became largely irrelevant to culture and politics during the 20^th century, and has largely remained so until today, can be chalked up largely to cowardice. Christians ceased to take their faith seriously, and ceased to exert influence on the societies in which they lived. Consequently, we have gone from the shapers and guardians of Christendom, to a bedraggled minority who whimper sullenly in protest before grudgingly accepting whatever edict is handed down to us by our secular overlords. It is because at worst we have done nothing, and at best we have acted halfheartedly.

We need bold and daring feats. We need exploits.

Doing an exploit means total commitment. Not bowing to the king’s statue, and talking smack to the king when he calls you out for it, is an exploit. Being thrown into a den of lions for praying publicly under penalty of death is an exploit. Transforming a pagan and hostile empire by the sheer, irrepressible power of the Gospel of Christ into a Christian Nation is an exploit. And throwing off the shackles of a Church which has plunged that Gospel under layers of corruption and works, penitence and indulgences, Saints and their graven images, and rekindling the light of true religion in Europe—my friends, that is an exploit.

The people of God have always been able to do exploits for “if God is for us, who can be against us?” The Word of God is as powerful now as it was when the Gospel blazed a swath through Rome, carried along by the Spirit of God, down the very roads which Caesar built to defend his power, and as powerful as it was a millennium and a half later, when it thundered through Europe afresh, unleashed by Luther’s pen and Gutenberg’s press.

The great things have not all been done, nor has history yet come to completion. We need not be afraid, either of the sword of ISIS or the censure of secular culture, for those who would oppose us can at most kill the body, and no more. But the God we serve can give us a new one, because the greatest exploit in history was already accomplished by Christ on the cross.

We must not sit idle. We must not merely take action. We must be strong, and do exploits.