“He
that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it hath already
committed breakfast with it in his heart.”
– C.S. Lewis
It is well known among my friends and family that I
consider cold breakfast cereal to be modern and unvirtuous. And though it puts
me at odds, seemingly, with the whole cereal-loving world, I shall stand firm
on this sentiment. Cold cereal is unvirtuous. It is not hearty, delicious, and
comforting. It is a processed, mass produced, measly little dish for those who
think themselves too busy to make a proper meal. Moreover, it is often dubiously
flavored, and usually bathed in an impious amount of sugar. If you think cocoa
puffs or fruitloops are delicious, I’m afraid you may be nearly beyond hope,
but I nonetheless invite you to repent. When I was a child, I ate like a child,
or something. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
All foods are not created equal. They can be virtuous,
or unvirtuous. They can be decadent or hearty, gourmet or peasantly. All meals
call for virtuous foods, but perhaps none can rise to such virtuous heights or
sink to such craven depths as breakfast. Now, one should always strive to eat a
virtuous breakfast. After all, is it really conceivable that one should go virtuously
through his day if he starts his day with an unvirtuous breakfast? The present
writer raises his eyebrows dubiously.
What makes a breakfast virtuous or not? This deserves
some consideration. The word virtue comes
from the Latin, virtus, meaning
manliness, strength, courage, goodness, and excellence. All of these ideas
should be embodied in the breakfast you choose. You need a manly breakfast to
give you strength and courage throughout your day.
Such a breakfast ought to be highly nutritious, which is related to the goodness
of it. And it ought to be delicious, which is, of course, very excellent.
How are we to judge as to which breakfasts meet these
criteria? Much of this will have to be intuitive for you, but don’t worry, it
comes pretty naturally once you get the hang of it. When in doubt, consider! Can
you imagine Winston Churchill eating this breakfast before a long day of winning
World War Two, or Teddy Roosevelt eating it before hunting an elk
or boxing a foreign diplomat? Can you
imagine it being served out of a chuck wagon to hungry cowboys on the Chisholm Trail?
Simple fare is that which is called for, friends.
Simple, but hearty. The sound of pans sizzling with bacon and sausage, eggs frying
in grease, the smell of fresh toast and warm butter, the warmth of a mug in the
hand - these are the things of which a good breakfast is made.
Eggs and Coffee
Eggs and coffee should be thought of as the basic
breakfast, as a sort of foundation on which the rest are built. You may occasionally
forgo the eggs, but this should be done rarely. The coffee really is standard.
You need a half-pint of the earthy, inky brew to drive the sleep from the eyes,
to clear the mind and to invigorate the limbs. The eggs give you that bit of
salty protein which starts ones day off so famously. The eggs should be fried
or scrambled; the coffee should be strong and good.
Do you remember in Prince
Caspian when Peter and Edmund are looking forward to the prospect of breakfast
upon reaching Aslan’s How? Lewis writes that they want “buttered eggs and hot
coffee.” Of course they do. That’s a virtuous breakfast, and they’re virtuous
chaps.
Bertie Wooster in one of the Jeeves stories opined, "I'm never really much of a lad until I've downed an egg or two and a beaker of coffee." None of us are, Bertie, none
of us are.
Bacon,
Sausage, Ham, Steak
Potatoes
From Dublin to Idaho, and everywhere else for that
matter, what could be more virtuous than the potato? Potatoes are dug from the
ground, and we all know that agriculture is virtuous. Potatoes have a rare sort of earthy quality. And, no, that’s not just
the dirt. I rinsed ‘em first, I promise. They are starchy and delicious – a perfect
complement to your eggs. Dice ‘em and fry them in a pan, or grate them and make
hash-browns.
When potato crops die, people starve. It's history,
folks.
Toast
Simple.
Delicious. What more could one ask for at breakfast? Toast plays a
similar role as the potato, balancing out the eggs. I always find that toast goes
best with scrambled eggs.
Poptarts
No.
Porridge/Oatmeal
Hot cereal, it should be clear, is in a different category
entirely from cold cereal. Now, oatmeal certainly isn’t spectacular, but it has
its place. It's good and filling, and sometimes just the thing. It’s also very
easy to pack and to cook, and it keeps virtually forever. If you’re hiking the Sierras, you’re not going to be lugging a carton of eggs around in your
backpack. A bowl of oatmeal is just what the doctor ordered. It'll warm you up in the
morning and give you the energy to hoist up your pack and hit the trail.
Omelets
Oh, boy. There are few things in this world more
delicious that a good omelet. Cheese, meat, tomato, and green onion, encased in
egg and fried in butter. Of course you can adjust the omelet according to your
tastes, but it needs to have meat and cheese and green onion (scallions). The
scallions are what really pull the thing together, and raise it from just another
egg dish to the heights of culinary art. Truly, the omelet is to be revered,
and – aye! – it is virtuous. My favorite? Ham, Tillamook sharp cheddar,
scallions, tomatoes, and chopped bell pepper, with Tabasco liberally applied
over the top. If you’re in California, you might crown your omelet with a few
slices of ripe avocado.
Pancakes, Waffles, French Toast
Of adequate virtue, and often very delicious. There’s
a great deal of variation here, though. If these things are frozen, or made from a
packaged mix, they are not very virtuous at all. Similarly, artificial syrup is an
abomination which will quickly render virtue-less anything with which it comes
in contact. Good maple syrup or a rich blackberry syrup, along with plenty of
butter, are the proper media for the anointment of your griddle-cakes. Oh, and
calling them griddle-cakes or flap-jacks makes them sound much more ruggedly virtuous than pancakes. So do that.
Ideally, these should be paired with fried eggs, bacon/sausage, the works.
Also, such a sweet breakfast crieth out with a loud voice to be washed down
with strong black coffee.
Biscuits
and Gravy
Oh-me-oh-my-o! Biscuits and gravy, friends! Nothing is
quite so hearty and filling as a breakfast of biscuits and gravy. This is the
kind of breakfast that sticks to your ribs. Next time you’re going to be
spending the day felling trees or chopping wood, this is the breakfast you
need. Lean your ax against the wall, grab a plate of biscuits and gravy and
scrambled eggs, and pour yourself a steaming cuppa joe. Hearty. Satisfying.
Virtuous.
Think you’ll fell those trees on a belly full of
fruitloops? Not a chance.
Eat up, lads and lasses!
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